This blog has been in the works for several months, but my heart has been so fearful to share because of shame and guilt. I read a book several years ago where the title is "When People are Big, and God is small". I am ashamed to say that I have made people quite big in my life, and God very small. I am choosing to make God bigger by sharing this story, and knowing that there will be some who do not agree with all of my choices especially as a parent, and even as a Christian. I know that God has a plan to use all of this very heartbreaking, and bad stuff for His good!!! Here is a brief story of what has been happening the last few months and how we got here......
Some of you may have noticed we have been missing one child from our pictures lately. For those of you that don't know, we took our middle son Nathan to a residential youth home in Montana in February. This has been a long, difficult, and prayerful decision! For those of you that do not believe in spiritual warfare I can tell you that there indeed is, and my son is living testimony to it! From the very beginning at conception there has been a spiritual attack on his life,. I found out I was pregnant with twins when Caleb was 5 months old. It was a difficult pregnancy for so many different reasons, but mostly because I was in bed rest with an active little one at home for 2 weeks, then in the hospital for almost 3 weeks, and then they were born 7 weeks premature. Nathan was not growing very much in the womb, and did not have a very healthy level of fluid. They recommended that we abort him for the best chance of survival for baby B (Noah). We refused to even think of that, and trusted that God had a plan. When Nathan was born, he weighed a lot less than Noah and was so tiny for even his 4 lbs 7 ozs. He was severely jaundiced, and was on a ventilator. His lungs were severely underdeveloped, and for the next 3 months he was in the hospital on and off of oxygen, and he came home on a heart monitor and feeding tube.
For the first year of his life we were on survival mode, he would not eat enough to gain weight, he would aspirate, and spit up half of what I got down him. We had him in development classes to help him, and then later speech therapy. At a year old he finally had some expressions, but before that was very melancholy. At 18 months he was becoming the exact opposite of melancholy and became very active, tenacious and stubborn. We hit the terrible 2's, which lasted until 7. He has had a terrible time with school, church, and anything with authority and structured activities. He could be very aggressive with anyone in authority, and known to even hit teachers, scream and throw things. He was in the office more days than not. We sought every help we could get, but we mostly prayed and then found a book that has helped soo much called "Shepherding a Child's Heart". This helped so much at home, but still had some troubles at school where he was even suspended. We then put him in public school for a year, but then saw his grades go down. We saw some of the things were not all behavioral this time, but not lack of concentration either. We took him to get his brain tested and found he has auditory processing disorder. We tried to get the school to make small adjustments to help him, but they would not do it. We decided to bring him home for homeschooling, where we made the necessary adjustments. He has been excelling with his school work, but has caused so much chaos at home. The past 5 months we have seen a very concerning side to Nathan that does not care how his choices affect others around him. He has been the model son to our face, but when he thinks we can't see or know something he does the exact opposite than what we tell him. He has lied to us more than we can count. He has caused his brothers and sister to feel like they have to protect themselves from him. Now we just saw him turn 12 in February, going through puberty, and he told us that he has no idea why he does it and does not know how to change. He struggles so much to take responsibility for his choices, and be accountable for his actions.
We had been praying about a program where we could take him to help him, because we do not know how to get through to him. We looked and applied to several in state programs, but they would not or could not take him. We laid down several things that we needed in a place as we prayed for signs and answers about what to do. We did begin to feel like this is the spiritual battle for his life! We put him in the program where we go for home study to do his work at the school for 2 weeks. They were great at Willow Bend Academy to help and support us. We took him on a retreat with the children's pastor at our church that poured into him, and prayed for and supported us! We then took him to Ken's Aunt and Uncle that poured into him and prayed for us and over him. During this time we were continuing to pray for wisdom, and we were referred by 3 different places and people to this place in Montana. We talked to the Director of the program for over an hour, and everything she said confirmed what we were thinking and feeling. The signs were too numerous to name, but the first one is that one of my dearest friends lives in Montana and we had gone there this past summer to visit them. We were extremely familiar with where they were located, and that gave us so much peace. Another was they do Light University which uses the same curriculum we have been using with Nathan. We talked to several of the references of former students and they all said it was hard, but life changing. We began to have a peace about it! I was able to get all the equipment that he needed that would have cost $2,000 for $600, and just the travel arrangements were easy and some free with points. We had his birthday camp out on Friday night, and left after the kids left from the party on Saturday. The final sign was our dog ran away Friday night, and I told God if we are to go then we would find him before we needed to leave for the airport. His tags had fallen off so there was not a good chance of finding him. We literally got the phone call minutes before we were leaving on Saturday that he had been found! This is still the hardest thing that I have gone through since my Mom's death, but just like then I could not make it without the peace of God that surpasses all my human understanding! A piece of me is missing until he comes home, but God is already doing supernatural work in all of us! When Nathan hugged me good bye, he held me longer and tighter than he ever had, and it was hard to let go of him! I pray when we are not there to cling to, that he learns to cling to Christ! We would appreciate your prayers for our family during this time, and that God would work this all for good for all of us that love Him and are called according to His purpose!
People ask where is God in these times.....well I can tell you that He was right there in Montana with us and with my son now. We felt such peace as we went to the very Target we had gone to the summer before, and just knew that God had arranged every thing before we ever knew this would happen. We did not know where Nathan would be when we went to Montana that summer, but God did. He is the one that goes before us, and prepares the way and is so gracious to prepare our hearts!! I can choose to trust that when I am not there with my son right now, God most certainly without a doubt is in Montana!
Psalm 127 1 Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord guards the city, the guard keeps watch in vain. 2 It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives sleep to his beloved. 3 Sons are indeed a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. 4 Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the sons of one's youth. 5 Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them. He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.
