Apple of His Eye Blog: In My Daughter's Eyes

One day watching a daytime talk show, I heard a song that changed everything for me. I didn't know how much until much later how my daughter had changed me. The song was sung by Martina McBride for some soldier's wives who were pregnant while their husbands were away:

In my daughter's eyes,
I am a hero,
I am strong and wise,
And I know no fear,
But the truth is plain to see,
She was sent to rescue me,
I see who I want to be,
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes,
Everyone is equal,
Darkness turns to light,
And the world is at peace,
This miracle God gave to me,
Gives me strength when I am weak,
I find reason to believe,
In my daughter's eyes

This was the song that lead me to share with my husband a longing I had in my heart for a daughter, and how I prayed, fasted, and ached for it to go away with no avail. Let me go back and start from the beginning....

I was pregnant with my first child, and we decided not to find out the gender until birth. I was so excited to be having a baby!! I had waited 8 years for my husband to be ready to start having kids, and I was finally going to be a Mom. I wanted a boy first, because I really wanted my other children to have an older brother. I also had a bit of nervousness with having a boy first as my husband only wanted 2 kids, and with my whole heart I didn't want all boys and desired a daughter. There were several reasons for that, but the main one was being a preschool teacher I knew that more than one boy together meant constant rough housing. I longed to have a daughter, but for this first pregnancy I would be happy with a healthy baby! I guess losing my Mom in 1996 brought a deep desire for that kind of connection with another female again. I put away all those feelings of nervousness though and focused on having my very first baby. I had the most amazing baby shower three weeks before I was due at a Pregnancy Center, and the baby came early a few days later. It was a BOY!!

I was seriously the happiest I had ever been in my life. I LOVED being a Mom. My first baby was the best baby I could've asked for. He was colicky, but hardly ever cried. I just knew he was uncomfortable from his grunting. He did cry uncontrollably once, and I literally thought he was probably dying. He was such a happy baby, and laughed more than any baby I've ever seen. It was pure bliss! I was so smitten with him. We were planning on waiting a few years before having another one, but when Caleb was 5 months old I found out I was pregnant....with twins. My first instinct was panic mode, but when I saw my husband's reaction and he was happy seeing 2 little peanuts on the ultrasound screen I was relieved. I had wanted twins, but I was thinking it would be great to have a boy and a girl as twins first. Not in the plan to have them so close together to my first child for sure. I did become excited, but again nervous to find out what we were having. We found out it was twin boys, and I'm not going to deny my disappointment. I didn't understand God's plan as I really thought He would give me a girl. I had actually prayed to God that He wouldn't give me all boys, and I had wanted more than 2 so He gave me 3 but no girl. I didn't understand why? To make matters worse someone had told me they knew I would have all boys, and even said they had prayed for me to have all boys. WHAT?? Why would God listen to that prayer and not mine as I'm the one raising them. Why did God not listen to my heart's desire?

I began to focus on making sure the babies were healthy. We moved into a new house when I was 5 1/2 months pregnant, and I was on my hands and knees on the baseboards cleaning. Probably not the best idea with being pregnant with twins. It had to be done, and so I just did it. I went into premature labor when I was 27 weeks pregnant. I was put on bed rest for a week, and found out very quickly that doesn't work with a 10 month old at home. I went into the hospital for the rest of my pregnancy. That was actually a blessing as I was so big now that I couldn't fit into any of my maternity clothes from my first pregnancy. I had to wear 2 hospital gowns to cover up, one in the back and one in the front. I was so big that Caleb could stand on the bed straight up and lay his head on my tummy. I was cooking those babies. I was constantly hot, and everyone that came to see me would have to wear coats, scarves, and hats in my room. I finished my counseling internship hours and studied for my LPC license exam while in the hospital though. I learned how to knit, and watched lots of football during that time. The babies decided it was time to come 2 weeks later, and they were very premature so they were rushed to the NICU immediately. I only got to see them for a few seconds. Things were good for the first few weeks in the NICU for us, as everyday they were getting stronger. They were only on a ventilator for a short period.

Things turned bad very quickly when they were put into a separate room. Nathan was born first, but was smaller and the weakest. He was on oxygen and was mostly tube fed for many months. Things turned even worse when they moved to what they called an annex room. It was a room where each nurse had 4-5 babies to care for at a time. My son Noah came home at 5 weeks old, but Nathan would stay there for 7 more weeks of H###!! I won't go into all the details as they're not really relevant for now, but let's just say most of the staff made bonding EXTREMELY hard with my son Nathan. Don't get me wrong there are amazing nurses and I experienced them with my hospital stay, the beginning of them in NICU, and with my first son's birth. Most of these doctors and nurses though are given too many babies and did whatever was easier for them, and not best for Mommy & baby. It was like I was visiting a stranger. This made for many issues for both of us, but mostly for me as a Mother. I had severe postpartum depression as well, which made it even harder. Then, when it was time to take Nathan home I couldn't get the staff to help me or get a plan to bring him home. I had to do EVERYTHING, and almost get a nursing degree myself to learn what to do for him to come home. I devised a plan, and insisted they let us bring him home. I got the Kangaroo pump he needed for night feedings as he was still on a feeding tube and heart monitor to come home. The doctor agreed to let us take him home on Easter Sunday finally, but as he was leaving he told me that my son would be back in the ICU with failure to thrive within a few weeks. I told him that would happen over my dead body. That day, I personally made it my mission to do everything in my power to not let that happen. In my mind if that happened I would be an ultimate failure as a Mother. I know God put that in me to get my son to where he is today, but it came at a great cost to my personal sanity. My relationship with others suffered, and I became a total recluse. I became an extremely fearful person, and often had depression and anxiety. I lost a lot of hope that things would be as I had dreamed my life to be. It took a huge toll on my health as well.

I lost all hope that I'd have a daughter one day. Because of all I'd been through with the twins pregnancy and Nathan afterward my husband had a vasectomy, and said we were done having kids. He wouldn't even talk about it, or else it would end in an argument. I felt like I had lost a piece of me, and a little bit of my identity as a person. I didn't know who I was any more. I felt extremely lost as a person. I did pursue some of my dreams, but I really had no confidence in who I was. As I saw others having daughters, and felt like I had asked for bread and my heavenly Father gave me a stone instead. Why? I began to feel like I was being punished for something. I became angry at God, because I felt like I'd tried to do it right. I had waited until getting married to have children, and had waited to have children until my husband was ready. I was at a wedding one day, and God showed me how He had entrusted me to raise 3 godly men in my family. How prideful I had been to think I deserved anything more from God. God also showed me how at different times in my life I'd lost men, and in His love and mercy He was giving me 4 men who would love me unconditionally for the rest of my days on this Earth. I realized I should submit to His plan, and know that His plan is always for my good.

It was still hard as the desire was still there for the daughter. About a year later I decided to fast and pray for my heart to be in line with God's will. I prayed that if this was not God's will to have a daughter then He would remove the desire completely. I prayed and fasted for 30 days. On the 27th day I was in the bath tub, and I just began to earnestly seek God's will. I wanted to know what He wanted, His thoughts, and His plans. I cried out to Him and it was the verse that came to me.

Let the wicked forsake his way and the unrighteous man his thoughts; And let him return to the Lord, and He will have compassion on him, and to our God, For He will abundantly pardon. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways," declares the Lord. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:7-9

His thoughts were not my thoughts and His ways were not my ways, and they are so much higher than my thoughts and my ways. I laid my desires at His feet. I cried and grieved that I wouldn't have a daughter, and released my grief to Him. In a flash, I saw the face of a little girl running on a lush green grassy lawn. I pictured her face, and she looked Asian. In another flash I saw 4 things that had happened in the last month of praying and fasting. They all had to do with adoption, or something to do with Chinese children/adoption. I heard my Mom's voice in approval of adoption. I hadn't heard my Mom's voice for years. The details of everything that came to my mind would take too long, but it was amazing how many things had happened that month to point to international adoption in China. I was weeping as I heard God audibly in my head say "you will have a daughter from China".

For 2 years I questioned and prayed for God to move in Ken's heart. One day we moved into another house that had a 5th bedroom downstairs. Ken insisted we had a guest room downstairs in our house. We were moving Noah's crib into that room as we would occasionally put the boys in there to sleep. When we were moving the crib in Ken said he thought the room would make a great babies room. Out of nowhere he say that. Then, another day I got my furniture from when I was a little girl and moved it into that guest room, and Ken said how the furniture was great for the guest room but how cute it would be as a little girl's room. Wait, what? He acted like he didn't even know what he said either when I inquired about it. I knew it was God working in his heart. Now, I finally bring you to the song "In My Daughter's Eyes". I was doing some endless laundry watching a popular talk show at the time, when Martina started singing this song. I had NEVER heard it before and immediately I started crying. I could not stop crying!! I was doing the full on UGLY cry. Well, my husband was soon to come home and I couldn't shut off the spigot. I tried to think of funny things, and happy things. I tried to put drops in my eyes as they were red and extremely swollen. I could not stop the liquid from coming out of my eyes. I thought about just locking myself in the bedroom and tell my husband that I was putting a mask on my face or something. I knew he would think something was up. There was no hiding it when he got home. My face and eyes were red and puffy. I prayed God would stop my crying, but if not then He'd give me the words to say. I didn't want to get into an argument with my husband about this.

As soon as he came in the door he asked me what was wrong. I asked him, "If you had something that you were sad about every day, but you couldn't talk to your best friend about it, how would you feel?" He said, "that would be terrible". I told him that was how I felt, like I had this desire for a daughter and I couldn't talk to him about it. I told him about the song that I heard, and how it made me cry. I played it for him, and he could see why I was crying. He asked me what I wanted...because no way did he want to get a vasectomy reversal. I told him that I was open to adoption and asked him what he thought about it. He said he was open to it if it was what God wanted. I expressed that I didn't want it unless it was God's plan. We agreed we'd pray about it, and to ask God to show us His will. We prayed every night together. Two weeks later, my oldest son, who was 5 at the time, came to Ken and I separately and said "Mommy and Daddy, I've been thinking. I think we need a baby sister, and one that doesn't have a Mommy or a Daddy". What? I didn't say anything to Ken about it, but then I was out one night and Ken called me to ask me if I'd been talking to Caleb about adoption. I said "no way", and he told me what he said. I let him know that he had told me the same thing, but no way would I have said something to him because I didn't want him to think I was trying to manipulate him or our son. Ken was in tears when he realized it truly came from our son's heart. He knew that it was God that had put that in his heart and mouth. He asked me what we needed to do to make it happen and asked about the process. Funny thing, I just happened to have some information to show him...Wink...wink. Well, when we looked online at one of the agencies they had a meeting that next week just a few miles from our house.

I was praying that Ken and I would be on the same page for where we would adopt. I never told him I thought it was China. We went to the meeting and they gave information about all the international adoptions, timelines, and process for each as well as domestic adoptions. When we left that meeting, Ken looked at me totally sure and said "I think we should adopt from China". WHAT? But God...exactly 2 years later from that meeting our adoption was final for our daughter Chloe. That whole process was a journey for me to trust God's plan, and to trust that He works it ALL for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

One night, God woke me up the minute that Chloe was conceived in the middle of the night (but our process was supposed to be 6 months so I thought it was when she was born). He brought to mind that He formed her most inward parts, and I began to pray for her every part and formation. How crazy that I thought I was praying for her growing after birth, but really praying for her conception. God healed me from so much, as He showed me that He loved me and He chose me to be Chloe's Mom after searching all the women in the whole world. I waited all day for her packet to come with her referral. I was never so glad to see a Fed Ex man ever!! It was supposed to be here sometime before 7, and he got here at 7:05 PM. Way to make a woman wait!! I ran inside and scoured through every detail of the information. I wanted to know everything about our precious daughter. I was also looking for something I'd prayed for and that was anything that would show me she was specially chosen by God for us. I read through everything and nothing stood out as being specific to us. I went to bed and released it to God that He was in control, and knew that this was our daughter. I instantly fell in love with every little detail of her picture and knew she was mine!!

First picture I saw of Chloe in her referral.

I went to bed that night so excited and sleep was eluding me. I finally fell asleep, but something woke me up a few hours later. I felt something say to go look in the drawer of my childhood dresser. I went to look in the drawer and there was a receipt for the purchase of the bed and dresser from my childhood. The receipt was extremely old and couldn't read everything on it, but I could read the date my Mom bought it. It was October 22, 1972, which was 33 years before my daughter's birthday. I fell on my knees and wept! I praised God for His goodness. I praised God for His sovereignty that He knew 33 years earlier this was my daughter! How amazing is God! You see this furniture also has a story. My Mom bought this furniture for my sister and I when we first moved from Fort Worth to Lake Jackson, TX. My Mom was suddenly a single Mom of 4 kids, when I was 3 years old. She was praying for God's provision. She went into a furniture store and saw this furniture and wanted us to have it, but she couldn't afford it. She left that day, but couldn't stop thinking about it. She had just enough money that was to pay insurance for the month, but it was the same as the amount for the furniture. She went back to the store to see about a lay away or something to get the furniture. When she looked on the back of the dresser there was a poem. It was the poem she recited when she won in UIL:

Trees by Joyce Kilmer

I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.
A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the earth's sweet flowing breast;
A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;
A tree that may in Summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;
Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.
Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.

When she saw that poem on the back of the furniture she knew that God was our provider. She used the money from the insurance to buy the furniture, and she got some unexpected money that week to pay for the insurance as well. God was the same God to my Mom that day, and now the same God to me to show me that He was my Jehovah Jireh! That also made my Mom such a huge part of the story to have a daughter. God had heard all the cries of my heart down to the details. The details of my heart to know my Mom was a part of it, and how happy she would be to have this precious child as her granddaughter.

God is no respecter of men! What He has done for me, He will do for you. All He requires is trust and obedience. I would encourage others to prayerfully consider adoption. It is amazing the blessings that come from it! It is not something I would do without seeking Him. I wouldn't even want to try to do it without Him. It's like marriage in that I wouldn't want to marry without His blessing, as we're choosing who will be a member of our family for the rest of our lives.

One of the first things I noticed about Chloe's picture above was her precious feet. We tried to reenact that picture a little here when I told her I wanted to "see her cute feet".

You can read the rest of the story about our journey to get Chloe in my first blog, with the link here.

A few years after we got Chloe we went to Washington D.C., and we were at a Michael W. Smith concert on the National mall. It was spring time and someone came and offered us a kite to fly, we were having a picnic on the ground. My husband and I were watching the kids running with the kite, with the lush green lawn. Hearing worship music in the background. I snapped a picture of Chloe running and it was then that it hit me. This was the face that I had seen in my vision when God had shown me we would adopt a little girl from China. This was the exact one, and here she was running on the National Mall. My worship that day was deeper that ever before for His goodness!! All I can say is I sought God with all my heart, and I found Him one day sitting in the bath tub of bubbles.

Picture of Chloe running on lush green lawn in Washington D.C.

You will seek me and find me when you search for me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13

I found God through a lens looking into my daughter's eyes. My daughter's eyes are not like mine as they are brown and almond shape, while mine are hazel and round, but in them I see exactly who God called me to be. In her eyes, I see that she is the best part of me. I personally wouldn't have chosen this journey, but being on it I wouldn't change it for the world!! I sure do love my 3 boys so much, and couldn't be more blessed that God gave them to me. My heart is truly full though with love for my daughter and my heart fills with hope when I look in her eyes!!