A Mother's Day Wish

As we are approaching Mother's Day this weekend I have a wish for all Moms. I wish that all Moms would stop being so hard on other Moms and STOP making them feel like they're terrible Moms. I wish that other women and men would stop making snide remarks about other Mom's parenting. I wish that every woman would tell other Moms something they admire about them as a Mom, and not just the dutiful "Happy Mother's Day". I wish that they would pray for them to stop thinking that they are terrible Moms, and pray that God would give them wisdom to be the best Moms that He CHOSE them to be for their kids.

Yes, God gave those kids to that Mom and that makes HER the expert of HER kids. Moms have a God-given motherly instinct for her kids, and we need to realize that unless it's putting that child in direct danger our "advice" is probably more detrimental than helpful. There is no worse critic of a Mom than the voice in her head that makes her worry about everything she does as a Mom. There is also no greater and more rewarding job than being a Mom, but it's hard work and it's constant with very few breaks. Women need to stop being so hard on other women, and especially so hard on themselves. The bar these days for what constitutes a good Mom is so high that it's impossible to achieve "perfect" Mom status that we all strive for and seek to achieve. 

I thought my struggles as a Mom began when I had the twins, but actually my struggle began like all Moms the moment their first child is born. When Caleb was first born he wouldn't breastfeed, and I thought I was such a failure. The "expert" tried everything known to man, but Caleb wouldn't take it. We began to bottle feed him, and he began to spit up green stuff that was bile. He couldn't breath and was aspirating. They took him to the NICU, and began to pump his stomach immediately. That was so scary as a Mom. They were going to do surgery to remove a blockage, but 20 minutes before the surgery he passed a meconium plug and then filled 5 diapers in 15 minutes. It wasn't me at all, but the "expert" sure made me feel like a failure for not being able to get my child to breastfeed. A few days later he was back to normal and he was taking to breastfeeding. Then 3 months later I wasn't producing enough milk and Ken told me I could start bottle feeding as a supplement. I started crying and said "I can?". Then only a few weeks later I dried up completely and again felt like such a failure, but soon found out I was pregnant with twins. My body literally couldn't produce enough nutrients for me, twins, and breastfeeding. Why as a Mom would I feel like a failure for things I couldn't control? 

Besides those issues with Caleb he really was the best baby, and rarely ever cried. He was so easy going, and it was such a blessing. Just as I'd blamed myself for things I couldn't control, I made the mistake of giving myself credit for this sweet baby I had. I thought I was doing everything right, and that is why I had this great baby. I was a puffed up Mom, and ready to give every other Mom advice on how to be the greatest Mom like me. As the Bible says, "God is opposed to the proud, and gives grace to the humble" James 4:6. God decided I needed to be opposed/resisted for my pride and humbled so He gave me two of the most difficult babies a Mom could have. I definitely learned that temperaments of children have nothing to do with their Moms. I learned that I can't think of myself as a failure for the bad things I can't control, but I also can't take credit for the good stuff that I really don't have control over either. 

I want to share some other lessons I've learned as Mom these last 16 years that will hopefully encourage some Moms this Mother's Day: 

1) Learn to listen to your own instincts as a Mom, and never forget that God chose you as your child's Mom for a reason. Nathan and Noah were premature when they were born. Nathan came home at 3 months old on a feeding tube and heart monitor. I became his nurse, and had to learn everything about feeding tubes and even how to put it back down his nose because he would pull it out sometimes. When he was in the hospital I felt like many things they were doing were causing more harm, and would often question the doctors about what was going on. They would make me feel like the crazy Mom who didn't know what I was talking about and that they were the experts. I learned that while doctors do know a lot on most medical issues there are many things they don't understand like the bonding between Moms and their children. They also don't know about God-given instincts like children need to suck even when tube fed for development, and their drive to bottle feed can be lost. I was telling them they needed to do a barium swallow to see if he was aspirating. Just a few days after I suggested it they did it, but not after making me feel like I was crazy!! They wanted a plan for when he came home, and I told them the plan was to have him eat as much as he would during day and to do a Kangaroo pump at night to get the rest of what he needed. Guess what "plan" they eventually went with, it was the God-given Motherly instinct plan. Don't let the "experts" silence your God-given Motherly instinct.

2) Learn to silence the critics around you with a polite "thanks for your input", and then move on. Learn to silence your inner critic as well, and I'll share more lessons I learned about how to do that below. The problem is that many want to give you "motherly advice" or will make little snide remarks that can get under your skin. The biggest problem though is the critic within. I would have comments about how little the twins were (remember they were very premature so of course they were small for their age), and in my head I would hear "you are a failure because you don't feed them enough". Of course, Nathan wasn't even on the growth chart until he was 9 months old. Again, I was taking it as a failure for something I had no control over. 

3) Parenting is not a spectator sport, and we need to learn what our own Mothers taught us that "if we have nothing good to say than say nothing at all". We don't know what another Mother has been through, because we haven't walked in their shoes. We should offer help before we offer criticism!! I'm especially talking about really petty stuff like making comments about if a Mom is feeding her children goldfish. 

4) Speak kindly to yourself. See yourself as God sees you, and speak to yourself that way. When you're not sure how God sees you then read Psalm 139 to remind yourself! God created you to be the Mom of your kids, and He chose you to be their Mom for a reason. You are the best Mom because God CHOSE you! Remember always, it has been shown time and time again that Moms are way harder on themselves than kids are on them. The video I posted below is a great example and I hope it reminds you as a Mom what your kids think about you. 

5) Pray for your kids, and pray for wisdom to be the Mom that God has called you to be. "But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him" James 1:5. Every child needs 4 things from their Mom; love, instruction, discipline and prayer. We will fail in all of the other areas, but one thing we can't fail to do for our kids is to pray for them! Whether you believe it or not, there is a spiritual warfare for the soul of your child. Every child needs a prayer warrior. God showed me after I lost my Prayer Warrior in 1996 through the poem below that my Mom's prayers continue on for eternity. May God bless you this Mother's Day!!

The Warrior

This morning my thoughts traveled along
To a place in my life where, days have since gone
Beholding an image of what I used to be
As visions were stirred, and God spoke to me.

He showed me a Warrior, a soldier in place
Positioned by Heaven, yet I saw not the face
I watched as the Warrior fought enemies
That came from the darkness with destruction for me.

I saw as the Warrior would dry away tears
As all of Heaven's Angels hovered so near
I saw many wounds on the Warrior's face
Yet weapons of warfare were firmly in place.

I felt my heart weeping, my eyes held so much
As God let me feel the Warrior's prayer touched
I thought "how familiar" the words that were prayed
The prayers were like lightning that never would fade.

I said to God "Please, the Warrior's name"
He gave no reply,
He chose to refrain
I asked " Lord, who is broken that they need such prayer?"
He showed me an image of myself standing there.

Bound by confusion, lost and alone
I felt prayers of the Warrior carry me home
I asked "Please show me Lord, this Warrior so true"
I watched and I wept,
for Mother...the Warrior -was you!

~Written by Larry S. Clark~